So many adventures. So few times.

My photo
My life is pretty dull. I play with a toddler, watch a lot of Yo Gabba Gabba and experiment with the crock pot. I have no bed time and I find humor in Laffy Taffy jokes. Conan O'Brien is my anti-drug.

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Eff the Balance on a Spin Bike

Here we are, halfway through week two of my state’s movement to help stop the spread of the coronavirus. It’s March 25th and Covid-19 has gripped and ripped across our globe. Where does this snarky, anxious, busy stay-at-home(ish) mom stand in all of it? How has my faith in humanity and laws and friendships and real life, day-to-day needs slipped or solidified?

You guys. I have no effing idea. My sarcasm is stronger than ever. I’m still silly and impulsive and if you could see me now as I type this you would die: I’m BLEACHING my hair platinum while on my spin bike in my bedroom, wearing slippers (and not even socks), undies and a robe thrown over my arm so it doesn’t catch. Don’t believe me? Here’s a hint of thigh and my robe-balancing arm. 



I’m anxious. I’m so anxious. I’m hardly sleeping at night and instead lay next to my husband, listening to him breath and replaying our evening conversations about his business and the country and our family. I think about my mom and aunts and my medical professional friends’ physical and mental well-being in all of this. My brain struggles to wrap around my kids’ future and if their school year will end at my kitchen table or at a building a few miles down the road surrounded by their friends and classroom crushes and teachers who care about them almost as much as I do. I wake up only a few hours later fully charged, brain pumping in 87 directions once again.

And I’m trying so damned hard to put on a brave face for those short humans, but I also think it might be healthy for them to see me nervous to an extent, to know that we don’t have all the answers either but we love them fiercely regardless. 

I’m trying to celebrate little milestones and big ones with them. Sit and read with them. Go on adventures on our property to find remnants of bones and maybe have them even help me paint their bathroom (yet to be determined). I want to give them freedom and childhood and joy and also be honest and educate them to know that a lot of shit is a giant question mark right now. I want to help them find balance but I also want to say, “Eff the balance!” and let them hide in the recently-constructed giant blanket fort that takes up the back third of my living room while they giggle to each other and play Minecraft on their iPads.

And so I’m bleaching my hair and toning it platinum and I guess if I really mess up I’ll condition the crap out of it and start again in a few days or I’ll just shave my head because really, who cares?! I’ll love my husband and my babies fiercely and protect them from the world while simultaneously showing them it’s a beautiful, magical place with so many secret corners yet to be discovered. I’ll ache for my girlfriends and our “They are SO loud!” boozy lunches and I’ll ache for my family in Washington state and worry for their well-being. 

I guess I’ll keep riding this bike without pants. What the hell else can I do?!




 

Friday, March 13, 2020

Friday Vibes

Between the last 30 days of intense knee swelling from my last surgery, adult acne, a rude comment last night that hit me harder than it should have (suddenly I’m back in school, allowing one bitchy person’s one bitchy moment directed inappropriately destroy me), the two extremes of opinions on my Facebook of the illness not to be named, an insistent headache I’ve had for the last 24 hours which I’m 99% certain is medication related to help reduce the knee swelling, my dog’s stinky gas wrecking my house, the gradual but final destruction of the husband’s amazing smuggler chair, everything Walt Disney World, being told I have no right to be upset by closures, spotty internet, my mama being in Washington State, kid fighting, event cancellations and general anxiety... 

Suck it, Friday. I’m starting some laundry, turning the dishwasher on, pouring cleaner in the toilets and going to Target. 💁🏼‍♀️ 

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Winter movie roundup

JoJo Rabbit: basically I spent 3/4 of the movie wanting Scarlet Johansson‘s shoes and then the last portion of the movie being depressed for wanting Scarlet Johansson‘s shoes. Also the main kid is Abigail Breslin‘s long-lost exact twin, if twins could be 10 years apart in age and also the male/female. But for real, twinsies.

Birds of Prey (Harley Quinn): antihero Deadpool but not as funny. Harley was touching but annoying but touching. But also annoying. But I would definitely also watch it again even though she was annoying. Because, touching. I still hate Rosie Perez.

Rise of Skywalker: JJ Abrams is a God, and Princess Leah does not fly.

Like a Boss: I have never left in the early ever. Especially not a 90 minute one. This was easily the closest I have ever come.

Knives Out: it makes fun of all people which basically means it is all right in my book. I do not recommend answering the phone during the opening scenes, or even later on into the phone. especially if you’re in a
Sold out show each. Note that it was not me who answered their phone, but I will say that it was one of the most hilarious experiences of my entire existence. Also I want to make out with rich snob Captain America. 

Last Christmas: a PG-13 Hallmark movie.  

Dolittle: does little.

Sunday, February 2, 2020

02/02/2020 (and we still can’t handle weight)

42 minutes into riding the spin bike tucked away in my bedroom and I started watching the movie I Feel Pretty. Okay, she’s probably a size 29 jeans and 10 upper, with (per the movie) 9.5ww feet. AND SHE SUPPOSEDLY BREAKS A SPIN BIKE BECAUSE SHE’S FAT?! 


I know this movie ultimately leads to body confidence and inner beauty, but 2 minutes as a curvier girl I’m insulted as hell. Fat shaming needs to end, folks. Just like body shaming a thin person, assuming a white male is entitled, general racism, sexism, and so on. In a world where everything is insulting, there are still a few classes where we have to grin and accept the mocking.

So. Frustrated. Also note that my bike hasn’t yet broke under my fat ass, so maybe this fictional Soul Cycle location needs to invest in better quality bikes?!  My $90 bike from Aldis is doing just fine. 

RAAAAAAGE.
Now I’m going to wash my fat body and go eat something because that’s pretty much what overweight people do. ✌🏻

Monday, October 21, 2019

That Workout Thing

I stumbled on this article today while trying to find a single new workout move to inspire a class. But, it was this article that I clicked on, and it clicked with me, and I won’t even try to rephrase it. 


As a fitness instructor (only a year for me, as of November 1st) I’ve already had so many people my class is too hard, too intimidating. 
I’ve recently had people tell me they are “too chubby” for my classes.

Guys, stop. No, stop. Listen. 

It’s about movement. It’s about bettering oneself. It’s about setting an example for our littles, or grandlittles, or having the stamina to go for a walk with our pooches at the end of the day (or cats, but I swear I’ve never seen a cat on a leash that was happy). It’s about heart health and mental health. 
2014 Buffy, post-Tommy
Me in 2014, after the Moose was born and I was cleared for activity and I decided to document my state-of-the-body
.
 
When I see this picture, I didn’t always see a newly-postpartum woman who just carried a stressful pregnancy almost to term. I didn’t always see the almost 3-year-old that ran her ragged while the young mom was trying to not go into labor at 29+ weeks. I used to only see those wide hips and back rolls and love handles and soft triceps. All I could see is what I wasn’t: Skinny.

Now? Now I see my own body and all its badassery, ready to be loved, ready to be pushed, but also ready to snuggle kids and a neglected husband. 

For full disclosure, here I am 5 years later. 


Me on October 21st, 2019 after a fun Saturday night with beer and bbq food and friends that I don’t even slightly regret.. 

I still have thick thighs and the cellulite is forever; and I rock large calves that only fit in plus size boots. Technically, I’m chubby. When I’m not flexing my triceps flop around like chicken wings trying to fly away. I’m not at my lightest weight post-kids. I like pizza and beer and pizza with beer. But after many, many years I realized it’s less about being a skinny supermodel and more about being a super me. I’m a pretty fun mom these days. My anxiety is slipping away with every class I teach. I’m strong as hell. I have endurance beyond anything I ever dreamed... less when I’m running, but I digress. Am I the fittest in the classes I teach? Definitely no. It doesn’t matter. More than anything, I’m moving, and I want you to move, and I can help you move. 

Feel free to come sweat with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 9 am at Four Lakes Athletic Club in Elkhorn, WI. 

This didn’t start out as a plug for my gym or my classes, but I promise I will be so truly happy to see you!

tl;dr: I love you and I love me and I want to make everyone sweaty.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Butt Padding

Disclaimer: I’m known for my bluntness (although I bite my tongue more than I get credit for. Just saying.) and I make a point to not mince too many words when it comes to my blog. 

Here we go. I am on a toilet for the 10th+ time today, just after writing a horribly mean and brutal workout for tomorrow’s class, and I’m mulling over getting certified in becoming a spin instructor yet again. We have so many instructors at my gym, but I truly love the formatting and how the music works for you and how a class can change so quickly by just changing the tempo or resistance or whatever. Bla bla bla. 

So I’m shitting and mulling and I think to myself, “I know! I’ll buy myself a spin bike for at home to help me decide!” Two seconds into that endeavor - because, let’s be honest: the best research is done on the toilet - I’m changing course because 1. It costs less just to get certified and 2. We have bikes at the gym that are barely touched outside of classes as it is. I can utilize those at any time. 

I finish up for the 97th time and wash my hands and then a lightbulb! I should buy padded leggings for spin so I can enjoy a few classes more before deciding!
This seems totally obvious. Can you imagine contemplating a quick $200 spend plus 8+ hours of lecture and exercise on a tall, skinny bike while NOT having a padded butt?! Off to my good friend Amazon.

And then I find these. 




The end. 
No, seriously. I have nothing else to say. I’m crying on so many levels.