So many adventures. So few times.

My photo
My life is pretty dull. I play with a toddler, watch a lot of Yo Gabba Gabba and experiment with the crock pot. I have no bed time and I find humor in Laffy Taffy jokes. Conan O'Brien is my anti-drug.

Friday, June 22, 2018

Fleeting Moments that Never End

My dear, sweet son... I know these moments are fleeting and someday you won’t want to snuggle me. You won’t beg me to sit on the floor with you riiiiiiight here for (and I quote) “A reallllllly wong time!” I know these things, and it makes my eyes sting. It makes my heart heavy. It makes my arms ache to hold you tighter and closer. 


But OMG holy crap you and your sister are out of clean socks and I cannot see the kitchen counters and I JUST took the fastest full shower in history (seriously under 3 minutes) and I have dripping hair and a vicious nick on my leg that may actually be causing me to bleed out. We have done nonstop snuggling for several days while watching my personal hell AKA Paw Patrol and you won’t let me even turn the Roomba on in the damned living room, let alone actually vacuum it. Cracker. Crumbs. Everywhere.


So I sit here, and I think of those poems and songs and whatnots about how messes will wait but childhood won’t and as much as I cherish and appreciate the sentiment sometimes, I want to slap the ho-bag who wrote it because Mama needs to get some shit done. But I’m still sitting here. 


Yup.


Juuuust sitting here, watching some awful Paw Patrol.





Friday, June 8, 2018

Teeth whitening truths and AN EPIC GIVEAWAY

You run into me at the gym, or at the store or at school pickup or while I'm out for a jog. I smile at you because I'm not a jerk and because I know I have a great, white smile. Are you going to smile back?

We smile. People smile. It's literally our culture's first reaction to show our teeth when we interact with someone. When you greet someone and they don't reciprocate, initial thoughts tend to me that something is wrong or they are unfriendly.

Don't be unfriendly.
No, seriously, don't be a jerk.

Have pretty, healthy teeth. Brush them, floss them, and then use some sciencing and whiten them with professional-grade stuff from Smile Brilliant!

I got a chance to check out the teeth whitening process from Smile Brilliant and upon receiving this massive kit in the mail, I was admittedly in shock. And more than a bit nervous. So I busted out the instructions, started to ignore them, and then realized that there was no way in holy heck I could ignore them. Because, science. If nothing else, this is basically a chemistry set for grown ups (so that's basically amazing). But it's all pre-mixed with extra stuff in case you jack things up and it's totally simplified for those of us who never actually took chem in high school, and this frazzled and uneducated mom appreciates it majorly.



I enjoyed making the impressions far more than a stay-at-home-mom of two should have, at 9 pm. While watching Scandal. Obviously.



Off the pretty little blue intentions of my teeth went with the US Postal Service, and 5-8 business days later (I'm not exactly sure how long it took because I had no recollection of when I sent it off. Smart, Buffy) I received my trays for the gel application, and I was ready to roll! At least in theory.



Honestly, I had a genuine fear of the first treatment because even after having already completed the most sciencey part of this at-home chemistry project, I figured I'd screw something up. Hilarious, because I DID. I set my little timer for 75 minutes to be cautious, popped the tray in, and as the buzzing went off... it was a miracle! I had no sensitivity! My teeth didn't feel even slightly different! ...Nor did they look any different because I am a complete idiot who used the sensitivity gel (which doesn't whiten, it strengthens) for the first hand full of treatments while thinking it was a whitening treatment. Sooooo... that happened.



Once I actually started whitening my smile bones with, ya know, the actual whitening gel, I think my favorite thing about Smile Brilliant is that the trays can be worn with minimal effort, and aren't noticeable at all! I actually wore them to the gym the other evening and no one caught that I was wearing them! Another day I whitened while working in my yard and while I went to school to pick up the big kid. This hardcore coffee and red wine and tea drinking mom has needed a product like Smile Brilliant for a long, long time. I've tried the dissolving strips and the dentist supplied strips and the gel you paint on and the messy charcoal toothpaste powder that wrecks the sink and needs an additional brushing to get out of your gums. The reality is, to get the deep down stains from years of dental abuse from the staining foods we eat and drink, you need a product that is going to work deep down. Period. Exclamation mark. So there.

And when the treatment was all said and done? **I GET THE HYPE!** It's everything you need to create that perfect, brilliant smile with a 100% money back guarantee and a genuine care for the consumer. It's made in the USA, ships worldwide and is far more affordable than similar treatments from a dentist's office - the average dentist charges more than $500 for similar custom trays for your chompers!

Basically, you can't go wrong.

Okay, yadda yadda. The good stuff... my results! I'm still a work in process, but my before and after is below. I haven't quit the coffee or the tea or the red wine and I've only been whitening about 2 to 3 times per week for about 2 hours per day while doing other things, for about 3 weeks now. I've had - wait for it - no sensitivity yet. None.

Intrigued? As the famous and deceased Robert Goulet would say, "You should be. Goulet". Click, sprint or even just keep a steady-paced jog and head over to www.smilebrilliant.com and use code sahmbuffy20 for a super duper exclusive 20% on your very own whitening treatment! Now you can be a smiling non-jerk like me!


FOR ONE WEEK ONLY! The wonderful people at Smile Brilliant have agreed to host a giveaway for the value of a whitening system of your own ($149 value), open to my friends (Mom, this includes you!) in the USA, UK, Canada and Australia! Go to 👉 www.smilebrilliant.com/g/sahmbuffy/ right stinking now! SERIOUSLY! 


Friday, May 25, 2018

Winc if you wanna wine!

Wine me up, Scotty!
 Save a few bucks for Gardettos or a fruit salad or something neat like that and take $22 off your first month of Winc Wine - Winc offers 4 personalized wines each month. Bottles start at $13 each. Winc is not your traditional wine club - nuh uh, it ain’t!: those magicians are a direct-distribution global wine company that personalizes the entire wine experience - Theg are perfecting how wine is made (which in my case would include a bendy straw), distributed, perceived (again, straw) and purchased via their fancy schmancy Palate Profile quiz that recommends wine based on your unique tastes and enjoyed on behalf of a new gen of wine drinkers. It takes the hassle and guesswork out of picking a bottle from your local liquor store and delivers the perfect bottle directly to your doorstep which, to my fellow mama’s out there, holla. Kids in liquor stores SUUUUCK. They do all this as part of their epic quest to improve the experience for consumers, create a platform for artisanal winemaking, and build a grape-to-glass supply chain that's sustainable for the planet. Also, take over the planet. No more intimidating language - minus the whole global takeover thing - and steep price points, and more glee in the act of sharing a bottle. Or not sharing. With bendy straw in bottle.

Ch-ch-check it out! 

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Drunk Phone Secrets

A brief moment in the life of my phone.

If you are someone who is so blessed to have ever received a lengthy text from me, the reality is that I hardly ever actually type any message. I talk into my phone. And, spoiler alert: I’m a very wordy person so my messages get long.

Fast.

As I am word-vomiting into my phone, I am also typically driving because it seems to be the slightly safer way to keep up with my shenanigans. Hell, I’m using this tool right now to compose this ditty. (I will later proofread - fingers crossed I remember this step). But, this is my long-standing method of keeping my eyes on the road. My pretty little phone reads to me my incoming message in a robotic Australian man's voice and I then ramble back my response and pretty much let Siri take the wheel for the translation of madness. Siri doesn't understand me always.



Keep in mind that in the back of my car I typically have either my Star Wars obsessed Fred Astaire wannabe four-year-old son with his shining blue eyes and dimples for days who is super excited to interrupt anything I’m doing to tell me about the latest Marvel 'dude' that he and his buddies discussed while going on the slide today in Miss Kathy’s class, OR I am driving home from tennis practice my four-teeth-remaining seven-year-old while she drones on and on about Minecraft. And then Minecraft. And maybe she will mention something about Minecraft. And while she takes a deep breath, she may also talk about Roblox and then sneeze and say something about Minecraft and tennis and then ZOMG MAYBE SHE CAN BUILD A TENNIS WORLD IN MINECRAFT! 

If they are both in the car, they are fighting. No doubt about it.
This means I am trying to get them to stop fighting.
If I am trying to get them to stop fighting, I have asked them four times, and then I have begun yelling. This is all while talking into my phone about my opinion of Tito's vodka or Gap running pants or what I should make for dinner this Thursday or fill in the blank randombess that is completely unimportant.

Today I was texting back-and-forth with the husband. I did not proofread my phone because whatever. I didn't. My phone decided to officially quit trying to decipher my madness.

You’re welcome.




Saturday, March 17, 2018

Road trips and blind bags to boot



Kids are annoying.

Kids on road trips are annoyinger. If you are a mom or a dad or a grandma or a grandpa or an aunt or uncle or legal guardian or not legal guardian and are planning to be trapped in a motorized, non-flying vehicle with a short person under the age of, say, 30 there is a very good possibility you've googled the hell out of the term, "road trip with kids" or "entertaining kids on road trip" or "kids road trip hack" or "deleting browser history before road trip". Whatever, this is a safe zone and we've all done some variation there of.


Last year around this time we were prepping for our annual trip down to visit the giant red-pants-wearing-rat with his giant rat girlfriend and their various less offensive animal and overstuffed human friends and the husband was telling me all about his discovery of a blog. A blog! A real life blog, people!
But not just any blog!
A blog with hacks! Road trip hacks!!1!
Kidding, husband. I love you. Although you won't read this anyway.

This one suggested rewarding good behavior by letting your child pick from a small tray of treats or toys once an hour for every hour they are on the road.

Okay... but my kids are dicks. They are going to pinpoint all the good treats, and then once their favorites are gone they are going to go back to their dickish ways and for the other 92308293 hours of driving I will be crying and/or binge shopping on Poshmark (use code POSHBUFFY and get $5 off your first purchase, duh.) because kiiiiiiiiiids, man! Kids.

But our kids majorly love blind bags. Those little baggies you get at the grocery store or Target or Walmart near checkout lines with tiny little toys (usually duplicates) for quadruple the price of buying the same toy in a multipack a few aisles behind you. Yeah, those. The things that trigger the most epic of meltdowns. Snot. Violence. Words of unadulterated hatred. Death threats ...that's not even mentioning how the kids react when you tell them no.

So, me clearly being the mad scientist genius that I am, masterminded a way to make our own blind bags. Some have small toys, some have little treats. Kablammo! Kids gets their mystery prize, husband gets the victory of a successful blog search, I get 1-2 hours total of peace in a several (read: SEVERAL) hour drive.

Quick tutorial because it's easier to show. No, seriously, it is. Product idea links below!



Heat sealer used
Mylar "blind" bags
Example and Another Example of toys for blind bags
Bag storage

“Mom! I got Sixlets!” ... Gee, I wonder how those got in there. 💁🏼‍♀️



Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Hot Mess Express, Party of 1


- Up for the day at 4:30 when Moose’s snuggle buddy doll thing’s head was wedged under my back.


-  Cheap kickboxing gloves performed cheaply in class. Knuckles bleed.


- While at doc for new anxiety meds, Dr. asks me what triggers anxiety attacks. EMMA’S SCHOOL CALLS RIGHT THEN. 😳


- Surprise! Emma’s fancy head lice shampoo didn’t work so well. Critters have risen (they have risen indeed).


- Spend afternoon scrubbing, spraying, throwing away, burning down, and dropkicking entire home. 


- Tommy asks me to open his apple juice. This is what makes me lose my shit and cry. 


Happy Fat Tuesday, all! Time for a drink and drink. 

Also, if you haven’t done so already go back to the Boob post and be sure to enter to win one of two Coobie bras I’m giving away! Woohoo!

Monday, February 12, 2018

Weekend gutter binges

I binged this weekend

Not like, “oh hey! I ate some junk food!” 
No, I binged. I went manic. I went to full bore. And I knew that if I took a step back and drank some water, went for a walk on the treadmill downstairs, hit my kickboxing bag that I still haven’t really touched since I had to have it a few weeks ago, I’d be able to get out of that programming in my brain. I would be able to change the channel. But for some reason, I could not find the remote. I was stuck on the eating infomercial from hell and in turn I consumed behind my family’s back. I consumed in front of my family. I consumed in front of my friends. I consumed when my friends weren’t looking. 


So, today is Monday. It’s sunny and shiny and bright and all sorts of other things. I’m starting the day by acknowledging what I did this weekend for almost six hours straight yesterday, and far more than that on Saturday. A few minutes ago I chugged 12 ounces of water. In about nine minutes I plan on drinking another 20 and then getting in a good workout. I’m going to go home and start some white chicken chili in the slow cooker so that I have a hearty, fan-fave meal waiting for us at dinner time so that we don’t end up fending for ourselves and eating “whatever” for dinner.  



And I’m posting this now because I want to be held accountable. I want people to give me a shoulder bump this week and asked me what’s up. I want people to raise their eyebrows at me at the gym. You see me slacking, hand me the heavier dumbbells. It is shiny and bright Monday and I refuse to go back into that gloomy gutter of the weekend.


Just keeping it real and drinking my water, because nobody gets anywhere from patting themselves on the back with a pocketful of lies. 
That crap made no sense.
I need a shower.