The Buffy

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My life is pretty dull. I play with a toddler, watch a lot of Yo Gabba Gabba and experiment with the crock pot. I have no bed time and I find humor in Laffy Taffy jokes. Conan O'Brien is my anti-drug.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Attempting a size smaller of my crazypants

 After my crazy pants last post, I want people to know that I really am OK. It had everything to do with a new prescription I was put on. As my doctor reiterated, things were going to get rocky before they get better.  So as one antidepressant\anxiety medicine was wearing off, the new one hasn't ramped up yet so I was just sort of thrust into a whole hot mess of emo.
I can't say that I'm fixed. I don't really think there is a fix for anxiety and depression like that. But every day things are shifted to be a little bit better.

 Does anyone else remember this post from Hyperbole and a Half?  If you don't know the site, you are insane in the membrane and a should probably wasted about 47 hours of your life going back to the very beginning.  Anyway, I got really good at treading water until I  wasn't anymore. The prescription change was just about the most necessary thing for me even though it obviously had some pretty nasty (but hopefully temporary)  side  affects.

 So basically what I'm saying is please be patient with me. If I say something that seems kind of odd or if I am not as responsive for a little while,  or I don't show up at the gym for a couple days or whatever, I'm trying to work my way through this. And yeah, I'm still going to be sarcastic or goofy and say inappropriate things and probably be completely misunderstood and misinterpreted as being a bitch instead of me just trying to crack a joke.  That's just what makes Buffy Buffy.  But again, please be patient with me. I'm treading water but I'm desperately trying to make my way to shore, instead of going under.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Breathing until I can't

Mental health is such an odd thing. This is my favorite season of the year. My birthday was only a few weeks ago. I am planning for my daughter's party later today with her girlfriends from school and things should be OK. My marriage is good. My kids are healthy. We are financially stable and overall in a good place.

And yet yesterday afternoon I found myself pondering in moling over and making a plan for suicide.

This isn't a, "hey look at me!" This is my personal truths. I battle with depression and sometimes even when I think I am in a very good place the slightest thing can send me spiraling. While I would never act on these urges, I felt in my heart my family would be better off without me. I felt like I was bringing nothing to the table and only hurting those I love. My sunshine went away. I still have a whole slew of little girls coming to my house tonight and I am trying to figure out how I'm going to put on a brave face for my own little girl. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to be around tomorrow and the next day and the next. 

I reached out to two groups of friends - A moms group that had experienced horrible tragedies in the last year and also my local circle of friends. I'm glad I have the connections I do, and I am very blessed to have the friends I have.

So if you have reached out to me in the last 24 hours, thank you. Even if I never responded, thank you. Especially if I never responded. My medications are being adjusted this afternoon, hopefully there will be a light again at the end of this very dark and seemingly long tunnel. Until then, I have to keep moving and keep planning and decorating for this party and I have to track down another two placesettings for two little girls that were late RSVPs. I need to make sure everyone is included and feel special and feels welcome. I can't even begin to tell you how many times in my life I have not felt that way. 

I need to wrap this up because it is incredibly long and I just wanted this to be seen publicly. If you were battling with depression, you are not alone. Reach out to someone. Try to find a lifeline. Do whatever you can. If it means publicly putting your sorrows on display, do it. I'm doing it because I need as many people as possible to know what I'm going through, to understand that if I am not always smiling or if I'm not always cracking jokes or if I'm not always bringing my 110%, it has nothing to do with me being lazy or bored or tired or anything else.  I'm struggling. And I need friends right now. And I need support right now. 

Friday, March 10, 2017

The 5 month evidence that scales are dumb

Remember these crazy numbers, dating back to my post titled, "Stupid Ham"?? Or this last comparison shot? These were posted 12/20/16, and I totally assumed the worst took place in the last three months since. The scale has hardly moved despite any and all efforts. I tried altering my diet. I tried altering my diet again. I tried more cardio, less cardio, etc. Ultimately, I've not seen any number changes and it was frustrating me. Because, I am a woman. I look at stupid scales and stupid weights and stupid numbers numbers numbers.And for some stupid, stupid reason I stopped looking at the above factors and fell back to stupidity. How many times can I be told that the scale is only a portion of the overall story? 

Duh, Buffy.

So a few days ago, my favorite trainer Rachel announced it was measurement day during our Women on Weights group. I scoffed. I shuffled my feet. I considered feigning illness or allergies to her caliper or claiming measuring tapes cause hives. Alas, in time I caved in and had my measurements taken. 

Yeah. So I'm only down 3 pounds officially on the scale. 3 1/2 months and only down 3 pounds. As that was the first part of the measurements taken, I was almost determined to see disappointing results. Is that weird? It's probably pretty weird. 

Don't judge my psyche. 

The interesting thing about being negative is that there are times you get confirmation in your negativity, and then there moments of being sort of surprised, and then there are times that you are blown out of the water. My 3 pound loss is actually an 11 pound fat loss, with an 8 pound (8 POUND!!) muscle gain! DOOD! I'll take it! Overall I am down 6 1/2 inches from December 19th, and since October I'm down 41 DAMNED POUNDS OF FAT! Body fat percentages went from 38 to 19. Am I pretty much a body builder fitness model in training? Nope. Of course not. But I'm making improvements and I'm getting stronger each day and I am genuinely excited to gym each day, even when I was under the self-imposed impression that it wasn't making a squat (ha, get it?) of difference.



And finally, here is a comparison shot of just about a year ago, while at Walt Disney World. There are times that I genuinely feel that despite what I can clearly see when I scrutinize these images, my body hasn't really changed for the better. I was strong before. I was energetic before. But, I hated every inch of my body. I'm finally getting to a point of mental strength, and that is not a bad thing.

 Your weight is just a number. A stupid number. Scales are dumb. You are more than a number.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

To the awful human who kind of rubbed my back

To the management of Massage Green Spa in Brookfield, WI, Corporate Headquarters, the therapist I experienced, and anyone else who may be a potential client of this establishment;

I regret not writing sooner. I regret not being more assertive at the verbal abuse I was treated to. I regret whispering my frustrations to the woman working the front desk as instead I should have been loud. I should have warned the other customers.

I purchased a Groupon, so apparently I was not considered a valid customer.

On  February 3rd at 11 am, I had a scheduled massage at Massage Green Spa, located at 17440 Bluemound Road, Suite B in Brookfield, WI. I arrived early and excited, as I had sore muscles from exercise and parenting and life in general. I hadn't been sleeping well and I was ready to relax. I'm a pretty chatty, upbeat person so if the therapist was a talker I could definitely handle it, but overall I was prepared to ask for quiet so I could potentially fall into a deep rest mode. When I scheduled the massage, I had asked for a relaxation massage. When I checked in, I asked for a relaxation massage. When I filled out the form, I stated that I wanted a deep tissue relaxation massage.

The therapist came and retrieved me a few moments early and immediately started asking questions. This is typically a good sign, yes? He asked about why I had asked for no work done on the front of my knee - I explained my most recent ACL replacement. I was then asked if I still exercised and was then told he could tell because of my 'bulky man muscles'. (ha!)

I am man muscles. Hear me roar

I should have ran from the room. He asked about my job or work. I stated I was a stay at home mom.
He then told me, "This is the problem with Americans. This is a disease that they won't work." I don't have an income, so I am by default lazy.


Once on the table, he had me start on my stomach. Typically I've had therapists ask me to start on my back, but everyone is different. He spent about 10 minutes barely touching my neck, back, hips. He was "assessing". While making said assessments, he asked about my diet. I told him I typically ate lean protein and vegetables and fruit. He proceeded to scold me about how I am eating dead protein and I should never eat meat. My kidneys aren't getting fresh blood because I don't drink pureed carrots or other pureed fresh vegetables that have the consistency of blood, which is why I was dealing with insomnia last week and the week prior (FYI, I had sinus issues. As soon as those cleared up, I miraculously started sleeping again).

He still hadn't actually started working on me.

20 minutes into the process, he pressed on my hip, and then explained to me that my muscles are weak and covered in fat. He asked about if I had a family and I told him briefly about Emma, my sweet but challenging daughter who is too damned smart.
FYI, she needs acupuncture among other things. Oh, and I need to completely change her diet and some other random tidbit. Also, I should look inside at how I am as a mother, because I'm apparently a bad one.

Every time he opened his mouth, I could feel myself tensing for the next series of verbal abuse. I almost asked him to let me leave 30 minutes into the session, because I was simply laying on the table face down, crying. I wish I had been able to record his comments so I wouldn't forget any of them. I wish I had gone to any other establishment other than the one I went to. I don't know how many times I asked him if I could just have quiet.

He never stopped.

As my 50 minutes were up, he stated that next time I get a massage, I should request a gentle relaxation massage. Um... I did. However, he never once had me turn over. He never once touched an area outside of my hips or shoulders - namely, my right shoulder even though I asked if he could work on my left. He never worked on my IT bands as I had very specifically asked. He never did ANYTHING. He did tell me however that as a woman I should be focusing on fixing myself so I can be sexually attractive to my husband and other men. Because clearly that is my sole value and goal in life - how sexually attractive I am.

And like a fool, I just laid there as he verbally abused me.

When I went to the front desk after, I told the woman briefly about what I had experienced. She shrugged it off as a language barrier (the man had an accent but spoke extremely clear English). She stated that he was their most requested therapist. She suggested I go ahead and schedule another session with him so he could focus on another area next time. When I was adamant that I would never make a point to see him again, she said that if I wanted she could go ahead and schedule me with someone else then.

WHAT?! Why would I ever go back to this place? Why would I subject myself to the lack of attention, lack of relaxation and verbal abuse?

I don't know what I expect writing this. I know I couldn't keep this to myself another moment. I know contacting the specific location would be fruitless as I had already been brushed aside. My purchase had been redeemed so I was no longer of value to them. I have never been treated so horribly, which is saying something because I've been treated pretty bad in the past.

Extremely horrified former customer

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

The post in which I am honest with myself and you

January 19th loomed near, and then it passed. I didn't update about my weight or my body or my health.
You know why?

There wasn't any update. I didn't gain, but I also didn't lose. I didn't feel any stronger or weaker. I didn't have any new measurements to add. I didn't feel much of anything, and I'm pretty sure I know the reason why:
I was treating my body to (and like) crap. I've been consuming more calories, yes. But I've been more so consuming empty or junk calories. I've been substituting my water consumption with candy here and there. Or coffee. So much coffee. And soda. Diet soda is still soda, folks.
More alcohol. Unfortunately alcohol calories are not non-existent calories.

I've been avoiding the gym more. I have all the excuses in the world why I can't go, and I'm often far too "tired" or "busy" to head downstairs to the basement for my own little homemade gym. I've got so much of the equipment I need to get myself stronger and faster and healthier and instead I choose to be upstairs. Away from it.

It's February 1st today - a new month, yes. 55 days from my 33rd birthday. Another day closer to a day older. Why not today? Why not right now?
Please, don't wait until next Monday. Don't wait until after the Super Bowl to make lifestyle changes. Don't wait until March 1st or May 1st or June 15th to change your  life. I want to be better and more energetic and more enthusiastic for my kids. I want to be sexier and healthier and stronger for my husband. I want to be all those things and more for myself. I want everyone reading this to do the same. Consider your family. Consider the example you are setting for your kids. Consider yourself. Be kinder to yourself.

I'm not selling a thing. I don't promote a product. I'm not trying to make a profit. I'm tired of SO MANY FRIENDS telling me how worried they are about me. When I was heavier, one of my best friends drunkenly told me she was scared for me. I wasn't drunk at the time. I was very much aware of her statements and comments and they burned my soul. Now that I'm thinner people tell me they worry about me and that I'm obsessing too much with my body.

I'm telling you now, I'm not obsessing too much. I'm caring for myself, something I should have genuinely started and not just pretended to do a long, long time ago.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

5 Drugstore Cosmetics You Need RIGHT NOW

I won't say that I'm a makeup snob, persay. I definitely went through a phase that if it didn't come from Sephora, it didn't belond in my caboodle. I'm not sure where I got this attitude, since it's not like I've always been able to afford higher end cosmetics. Recently though, I've been stumbling upon some pretty amazing drug store finds and I want to share with you my all-stars!

Rimmel Stay Matte foundation: This stuff packs a powerful punch for a $5 tube - so powerful in fact that I don't even use it as a foundation! I actually take a brush and apply it lightly as a concealer over blemishes and discolorations! It blends beautifully and lasts all day. 

NYX Powder Blush: If you've ever complimented my rosy glow (because, ya know, that happens. Never. I digress.) chances are I'm wearing the blush contained in this little cube. The shades are highly pigmented and gives a seamless flush.

Revlon Brow Fantasy: Guys, this stuff is maybe my favorite thing on earth. Even more than vanilla protein powder. Even more than a gift card to TJ Maxx! One end is a brow pencil, one is a tinted gel with brush to keep your window frames in check. Seriously, no makeup on but a smidge of eyebrow tamer and I don't look completely ridiculous! ...Okay, maybe I look a little ridiculous, but my brows are on-point.

Rimmel ProvocaLips: Not a lipstick lover? Move along. But if you're a fan of a long lasting, non-drying hue that can be sweet and demure or bold and sexy look no further. It definitely lasts longer than it's L'Oreal liquid lipstick counterpart and it doesn't have the feathering tendencies that so many "long lasting" lip colors do.

Maybelline Big Shot Mascara: I sort of feel like I don't need to say much more than the images below. I got this to try out from Influenster for free but I was completely blown away by the results. Like throw-my-Urban Decay-mascara-in-the-trash-immediately blown away. It's one of those mascaras you can layer with - one coat gives you sooty lashes. Two gives you long spider leg lashes. Three coats are going to make passing cars swerve onto a nearby front lawn and also suffer whiplash. So, apply and wear with care. No one wants whiplash from being awestruck from your peepers. No one.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Bulging booties and bedtime routines

 Just a few days ago I was getting ready for bed and I sort of surprised myself -   My ridiculously old
gym shorts were suddenly falling off of me. I mean, that's not really a problem but I guess there are
still times that I forget that in the last few months I've lost as much weight as my almost-3-year-old weighs. That is, I've basically worked off a Tommy. Sort of bizarre when I look at it like that.
But then a few nights later when glancing in the mirror the first thing I noticed was a chunk of fat bulging off my hips. I started to get distraught. Am I gaining weight? Am I not toning enough? What more should I be attempting on a daily basis beyond what I am already doing? And then I realized I was being stupid and instead I decided to run a bath. After that it was simply me and my phone and iPad, a glass of Columbia Crest Horse Heaven Hills Merlot and a delicious apple. Because, you know. Apples.

You can take the girl out of Washington but you can't take the Washington apples away from the girl.

I'm sorry.

That was maybe the stupidest thing I have ever typed out.

I have typed out some ridiculously stupid things too.

Tommy got a big boy upgrade the other day! We decided to pass on
his (and previously Emma's) crib turned toddler bed and instead get him a full size bed frame and mattress like his sister. This was partially selfish on my part… Kid has been sleeping horribly for the last few months and spends the majority of the night in our bed. All I could think is that if I could potentially snuggle him to sleep now then maybe he would sleep through the night. Or hell, I could always just go sleep in his bed if he takes over mine.

This worked out well for Emma as well. We ended up giving Tommy her old mattress and getting her a new mattress and box spring set so that her bed sits a little higher.  Both kids think that they are hot shit now. That's fine, just stay the hell out of my bed.