Attempting a size smaller of my crazypants

 After my crazy pants last post, I want people to know that I really am OK. It had everything to do with a new prescription I was put on. As my doctor reiterated, things were going to get rocky before they get better.  So as one antidepressant\anxiety medicine was wearing off, the new one hasn't ramped up yet so I was just sort of thrust into a whole hot mess of emo.
I can't say that I'm fixed. I don't really think there is a fix for anxiety and depression like that. But every day things are shifted to be a little bit better.

 Does anyone else remember this post from Hyperbole and a Half?  If you don't know the site, you are insane in the membrane and a should probably wasted about 47 hours of your life going back to the very beginning.  Anyway, I got really good at treading water until I  wasn't anymore. The prescription change was just about the most necessary thing for me even though it obviously had some pretty nasty (but hopefully temporary)  side  affects.

 So basically what I'm saying is please be patient with me. If I say something that seems kind of odd or if I am not as responsive for a little while,  or I don't show up at the gym for a couple days or whatever, I'm trying to work my way through this. And yeah, I'm still going to be sarcastic or goofy and say inappropriate things and probably be completely misunderstood and misinterpreted as being a bitch instead of me just trying to crack a joke.  That's just what makes Buffy Buffy.  But again, please be patient with me. I'm treading water but I'm desperately trying to make my way to shore, instead of going under.

Breathing until I can't

Mental health is such an odd thing. This is my favorite season of the year. My birthday was only a few weeks ago. I am planning for my daughter's party later today with her girlfriends from school and things should be OK. My marriage is good. My kids are healthy. We are financially stable and overall in a good place.

And yet yesterday afternoon I found myself pondering in moling over and making a plan for suicide.

This isn't a, "hey look at me!" This is my personal truths. I battle with depression and sometimes even when I think I am in a very good place the slightest thing can send me spiraling. While I would never act on these urges, I felt in my heart my family would be better off without me. I felt like I was bringing nothing to the table and only hurting those I love. My sunshine went away. I still have a whole slew of little girls coming to my house tonight and I am trying to figure out how I'm going to put on a brave face for my own little girl. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to be around tomorrow and the next day and the next. 

I reached out to two groups of friends - A moms group that had experienced horrible tragedies in the last year and also my local circle of friends. I'm glad I have the connections I do, and I am very blessed to have the friends I have.

So if you have reached out to me in the last 24 hours, thank you. Even if I never responded, thank you. Especially if I never responded. My medications are being adjusted this afternoon, hopefully there will be a light again at the end of this very dark and seemingly long tunnel. Until then, I have to keep moving and keep planning and decorating for this party and I have to track down another two placesettings for two little girls that were late RSVPs. I need to make sure everyone is included and feel special and feels welcome. I can't even begin to tell you how many times in my life I have not felt that way. 

I need to wrap this up because it is incredibly long and I just wanted this to be seen publicly. If you were battling with depression, you are not alone. Reach out to someone. Try to find a lifeline. Do whatever you can. If it means publicly putting your sorrows on display, do it. I'm doing it because I need as many people as possible to know what I'm going through, to understand that if I am not always smiling or if I'm not always cracking jokes or if I'm not always bringing my 110%, it has nothing to do with me being lazy or bored or tired or anything else.  I'm struggling. And I need friends right now. And I need support right now.