The Buffy

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My life is pretty dull. I play with a toddler, watch a lot of Yo Gabba Gabba and experiment with the crock pot. I have no bed time and I find humor in Laffy Taffy jokes. Conan O'Brien is my anti-drug.

Friday, April 14, 2017

Breathing until I can't

Mental health is such an odd thing. This is my favorite season of the year. My birthday was only a few weeks ago. I am planning for my daughter's party later today with her girlfriends from school and things should be OK. My marriage is good. My kids are healthy. We are financially stable and overall in a good place.

And yet yesterday afternoon I found myself pondering in moling over and making a plan for suicide.

This isn't a, "hey look at me!" This is my personal truths. I battle with depression and sometimes even when I think I am in a very good place the slightest thing can send me spiraling. While I would never act on these urges, I felt in my heart my family would be better off without me. I felt like I was bringing nothing to the table and only hurting those I love. My sunshine went away. I still have a whole slew of little girls coming to my house tonight and I am trying to figure out how I'm going to put on a brave face for my own little girl. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to be around tomorrow and the next day and the next. 

I reached out to two groups of friends - A moms group that had experienced horrible tragedies in the last year and also my local circle of friends. I'm glad I have the connections I do, and I am very blessed to have the friends I have.

So if you have reached out to me in the last 24 hours, thank you. Even if I never responded, thank you. Especially if I never responded. My medications are being adjusted this afternoon, hopefully there will be a light again at the end of this very dark and seemingly long tunnel. Until then, I have to keep moving and keep planning and decorating for this party and I have to track down another two placesettings for two little girls that were late RSVPs. I need to make sure everyone is included and feel special and feels welcome. I can't even begin to tell you how many times in my life I have not felt that way. 


I need to wrap this up because it is incredibly long and I just wanted this to be seen publicly. If you were battling with depression, you are not alone. Reach out to someone. Try to find a lifeline. Do whatever you can. If it means publicly putting your sorrows on display, do it. I'm doing it because I need as many people as possible to know what I'm going through, to understand that if I am not always smiling or if I'm not always cracking jokes or if I'm not always bringing my 110%, it has nothing to do with me being lazy or bored or tired or anything else.  I'm struggling. And I need friends right now. And I need support right now. 

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