Haven't posted in while, and my reasons are stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. So many great things are happening, but I keep getting thrown under a dark cloud. Doom and gloom. Bats and goblins and gray stuff. Nothing cute. So now I suppose I'll share why I've been a total failure at updating (even though my reasons are stupid and don't explain a thing).
In early May, I found out I was pregnant. We were ecstatic even though we weren't officially trying just yet. It happened so fast, and I was basking in the glow of the secret bundle baking in my uterus. A week and a half later, my midwife called while I was out for a walk with my girlfriends to say that my betas were low and was most likely a miscarriage. I needed to come back in, immediately. I call Brett to have him interrupt me that my sister-in-law was in labor a few days early with her first baby. The same day I found out the baby I desperately and severely wanted wasn't meant to be, my beautiful niece was brought into world. The bleeding started nice and early on Mother's Day 2013 and led to what would be maybe one of my top 5 worst days on earth. My insanely amazing husband and adorable, smart, gentle daughter did everything they could to make the day special for me. But as we sat at brunch with other members of the family, I wanted to hide in my bed and feel sorry for myself and the little life that would never get to be.
So we were trying to avoid for the months following the miscarriage so I could get both my hormones and mental health back in line, and apparently I slipped up when temping. Yeah, I'm pregnant again. It was immediate. We bought our big, yellow dream house, I've had a healthy pregnancy and am past 16 weeks with this munchkin, and yet I find myself very detached from everything but my family. I dwell on what I've lost instead of basking in what I have. I'm too clingy with my husband. Too needy for cuddles from the kid. I'm trying to do better, be better, appreciate what I have. I've turned to prayer, I've gotten back into exercising, I'm eating better, and I'm looking for little blessings in every day. I needed to get this stupid, stupid stuff off my stupid chest so I can move on and glow in pregnancy and not panic every time my toddler kicks me in gut on the changing table.
On that note, who wants to help me potty-train my very stubborn two year old?!