The Buffy

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My life is pretty dull. I play with a toddler, watch a lot of Yo Gabba Gabba and experiment with the crock pot. I have no bed time and I find humor in Laffy Taffy jokes. Conan O'Brien is my anti-drug.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Stupid loss and stupid hormones and all things stupid.

Haven't posted in while, and my reasons are stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. So many great things are happening, but I keep getting thrown under a dark cloud. Doom and gloom. Bats and goblins and gray stuff. Nothing cute. So now I suppose I'll share why I've been a total failure at updating (even though  my reasons are stupid and don't explain a thing).

In early May, I found out I was pregnant. We were ecstatic even though we weren't officially trying just yet. It happened so fast, and I was basking in the glow of the secret bundle baking in my uterus. A week and a half later, my midwife called while I was out for a walk with my girlfriends to say that my betas were low and was most likely a miscarriage. I needed to come back in, immediately. I call Brett to have him interrupt me that my sister-in-law was in labor a few days early with her first baby. The same day I found out the baby I desperately and severely wanted wasn't meant to be, my beautiful niece was brought into world. The bleeding started nice and early on Mother's Day 2013 and led to what would be maybe one of my top 5 worst days on earth. My insanely amazing husband and adorable, smart, gentle daughter did everything they could to make the day special for me. But as we sat at brunch with other members of the family, I wanted to hide in my bed and feel sorry for myself and the little life that would never get to be.

So we were trying to avoid for the months following the miscarriage so I could get both my hormones and mental health back in line, and apparently I slipped up when temping. Yeah, I'm pregnant again. It was immediate. We bought our big, yellow dream house, I've had a healthy pregnancy and am past 16 weeks with this munchkin, and yet I find myself very detached from everything but my family. I dwell on what I've lost instead of basking in what I have. I'm too clingy with my husband. Too needy for cuddles from the kid. I'm trying to do better, be better, appreciate what I have. I've turned to prayer, I've gotten back into exercising, I'm eating better, and I'm looking for little blessings in every day. I needed to get this stupid, stupid stuff off my stupid chest so I can move on and glow in pregnancy and not panic every time my toddler kicks me in gut on the changing table.

On that note, who wants to help me potty-train my very stubborn two year old?!

3 comments:

  1. Absolutely everything you are feeling/felt is so totally normal. After my M/C when I was pregnant with V I was scared to moved past the lost one. Heck. I even refused to use the same bathroom at the Y that I first noticed it for fear I would jinx it. Love ya toots.

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  2. Buffy, I <3 you and I am here for you. And YAAAAAY baby!

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  3. Buffy,
    Its very brave of you to share. My heart goes out to you, I have tried for the last 6 years to get pregnant with no luck and about 2 month ago I had a M/C for the very first time I was ever pregnant. It was SOOOO hard! I was and still am excited that I actually got pregnant but my heart is broken over the loss of our baby. : ( I went through some crazy wacky emotions that made me feel like I was an insane lady. I'm glad you are able to face and work at conquering your stupid feeling and gray days. Just take your time and make sure your ok. I have felt so alone with my M/C so it is comforting to connect with people I know who might understand what its like. Congrats on all things positive going on in your life, most of all Blessings and prayers to you and your family and the little one your growing.

    XOXO
    Billie Reade

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