I had a startling moment of clarity yesterday - image is the most important thing, no matter the outcome. We all do it. We portray ourselves as devil-may-care or the martyr or as the perfect parent or as the fashion accessory parent. This doesn't mean I don't do it too. I'm horrified at the idea that people will think I don't care enough, or that I'm an unfit parent. Publicly admitting mulling over the ramifications of suicide? That puts a bullseye on your back, after the respectful time allotment has passed. "It's been three weeks or so. Okay, she's fine." I've never experienced so many odd side glances at myself in my life. Before that, I publicly talked about my body, and my body image. I've had people suggest I maybe tone up before being so candid - so I stopped talking about my self-described successes and downfalls of my bodyfat percentage.
The point of this is that I ostracized myself yesterday and I ostracized myself a month ago and I'll most likely do it again. And again. I tried to get deep and talk about a bigger picture thing, tried to talk about something I didn't expect to affect my family. Especially not now; especially not at this age level. I had **multiple** people tell me or message that kids are kids. I shouldn't be so open with my blog. I'm being so over-dramatic. And so the next worry is, "Does the world think I'm just creating drama when there is none? Does the world think I'm an unfit parent because I didn't pay closer attention to what was taking place? Do they think I'm unfit because I stepped in? I corrected other peoples' kids; I corrected my own kid? I may have portrayed another parent as unfit because actions took place they weren't aware of. Am I unfit because kids were unfairly awful to each other in my own home without me being aware of it? Am I wrong in taking my child out of the situation? Should I have left her to fight her own batttles? Should I have caused a scene?" It truly never ends.
We as a human race cannot live like this! It's exhausting to constantly tiptoe around to play meek or overplay a role of carelessness or scrub our home because guests and pretend it's the natural state or suck in our stomachs and stick out our chest or anything else, solely to project an image.
I haven't been super social on Facebook lately, but it was suggested I turn it off for a week for the sake of my family. So that I can be a mom instead of a worrywart. Am I still on Instagram? Um, YES. I clearly have to still put up bi-weekly images of myself with the perfect chin position and teethy smile.
But the social comparisons, the worrying, the fear of being an outcast, the pride of a friends list number, the perfect profile picture, blah blah blah... I'm done.
...Clearly for only a week though. I'm not some kind of monster!